


See Me

by Sweetbirthdaybb



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, but also its arthur struggling with letting someone sincerely know him, i just want this man to have someone to comfort him when he needs it ok
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2020-12-14 06:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21011336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetbirthdaybb/pseuds/Sweetbirthdaybb
Summary: Arthur finally meets someone who sees him, however, he doesn't anticipate that it's one thing to be seen and something entirely different to be known.





	1. Sealed With a Kiss

Arthur trudges up the hill’s worth of stairs to his apartment. His body aches as he does, clearly yelling for a reprieve but he knows it won’t happen until he can hear the clang of his apartment’s elevator door close shut as the metal box lifts him up to his floor. Arthur lets his back relax against the elevator’s wall if just for a moment, He lets out a sigh. He just wants to disappear into nothingness and stay that way for a while, stop existing without the permanence of death. He didn’t even have that terrible of a workday, just went through the motions of it all without incident. The motions of people ignoring him, seeing right through him. He almost wishes he had an incident, to prove that he is a real tangible person and not just some ghost wandering through gotham in some type of clown purgatory. Before he can further his melancholic thoughts of existing, the noise of the elevator door opening brings him back to his apartment building floor. He steps out of the creaky metal box as it bids him farewell with its familiar sound of the door closing behind him, on its way to pick up another tired gotham citizen. 

He turns right and walks to his door, he can feel the bags under his eyes dragging him down. He couldn’t wait for the nothingness of sleep to take him, where he didn’t have to be conscious for his constant state of being. As he turns the key to open the door, the sound of the tv greets him, his shoulders instantly relaxes as he enters the apartment. Everyone outside of this small haven, in one way or another want to hurt him but here he can breath, be less anxious of the constant performance of attempting to fit in a crowd. 

His puts his keys in the bowl and was about to greet his mother, who no doubt should be in the living room, but before he could he could hear her laughing. Usually that wouldn't concern him but there was as second laugh that accompanied hers. His back straightened, and his hands shot up to run through his hair nervously. He carefully walked towards the living room, calling out to his mother to alert her and whoever she was with, he was there. Once he made it around the hallway corner, he had full visual of living room and what he saw wasn’t what he was expecting.

His mother was the picture of her regular routine, not a thing out of place. But what was new, was a young woman sitting on the left side of the couch, which was closer to his mom’s recliner. She looked at him in a moment of surprise, she was in the middle of pouring his mom some tea. She collected herself quickly and smiled at him, before turning back to focus on her task before any of the tea sloshed out of the cup. Before the stranger could say a word his mom spoke out.

“Oh happy dear, did you check the mail?” she asked casually 

Arthur turned his gaze and focused on the older woman nodding. “Yeah mom, nothing came in.” he told her, like he did yesterday and the day before that.

The women looked back at penny who looked crestfallen, she put her hand on top of penny’s in a gesture of reassurance. 

“I’m sure he’ll write back soon miss fleck.”

“Oh right!” the woman quickly turned her attention back to arthur, she stood up and walked closer to him as she talked.

“I’m so sorry, we haven’t formally met and yet here i am in your apartment,” she said as she approached, “I recently moved in last week,I live down the hall in 7B.”

She held out her hand for arthur for him to shake, her eyes shining bright at him with her full attention. It had disarmed him for a second because of how sincere she was. He shook her soft hand and they exchanged their names.

“Arthur huh?” she says as she looks at him, “I've never met an arthur before! That makes this meeting even more wonderful.”

“I’m happy to meet you too” arthur replied, the tips of his ears a little red from the compliment. Around women he’s usually more nervous than anything and most of the time they’d rather not be around him to begin with because his nervousness triggers his condition. But somehow he doesn’t feel the familiar nervousness in his chest even though this is his first time meeting you. Its strange he feels but ultimately not unwelcomed.

He turns his gaze back to his mother, “when did you make a friend?”

You laugh as you sit back down on the couch and his mother takes a sip of tea your poured for her. 

“She was trying to see if she got any mail today,” you explain will penny takes her time sipping the hot beverage in her hands, “I spotted her trying to get on the elevator when I was bringing in boxes to my apartment. It made me nervous to leave her alone because she was wobbling when she walked.”

Arthur shoots his mom a look, “you know you shouldn’t wander outside of the apartment alone.”

His mother gazes back at him, “but I saw the postman through the window and I had to be sure.”

Arthur sighed, “mom you know I always check for you before I come up after work.”

Penny looked indignant but she clearly stood by her choice.

You cut in looking back at arthur, “it’s alright! I told her I'd run down and ask the postman myself if anything came for which she seemed content with.” you looked back at penny and smiled and she smiled right back you. Arthur could swear his heart could burst, how can your smile be so welcoming? It almost felt like he was put into a trance by having it aimed at him earlier.

“Anyway”, you continue, “I came back up and told her nothing came in, but she looked so lonely so i decided to keep her company during lunch and then lunch flew by and here we are” you say as you wave your arms around your for emphasis, arthur smirked a little at that.

His mother spoke what was running through his mind.

“She’s such a sweet girl.” penny sighs, she reached over and squeezed your hand again showing her affection. She returned her hand to her lap and turned her attention back to the television set.

“Oh stop, anyone would have done that.” you say looking back at penny. Arthur was still observing you as he thought to himself, ‘i know for sure they wouldn’t.’ but he didn’t want to dampen the mood. So he moved and sat on the opposite side of the couch, giving you some space.

“So you moved in last week? Must be a lot of work moving all those boxes” arthur says a little timidly trying to keep the conversation going. 

You nod as you angled your body towards him to give him your full attention. “Yeah it would be easier if i had roommates but,” you shrug noncommittally as if to say ‘what can you do’

Arthur takes out a cigarette; sliding it between his lips but starts padding his pockets searching for a lighter with no such luck. He could confirm he did feel a little silly with an unlit cigarette sitting on his lips in front of his neighbor. You laugh a little shyly reflexively putting your hand up to your mouth to cover it a little, ‘that’s a shame’ he thinks to himself. Arthur watches you as you reach for a lighter from the coffee table in front of you and light it, offering the flame to him. He leans his face forward but then realizes how close that would make him to you so he quickly took the cigarette from his lips into his hand and shyly offers you that instead, you light it all the same. 

Arthur takes a drag and exhales away from you so the smoke doesn’t get in your face, “did you end up unpacking today?” he says a little more confidently

Your eyes look off to the side as if trying to take mental stock of what you have left to do, “no; not really, I unpacked maybe two boxes before i saw miss fleck and spent the day here” you say smiling at the last part, “I'd say I had a pretty good day.” you say while your return his gaze to him.

Before he could respond, his mother cut in again clearly catching the tail end of the conversation as she the television program she was watching went to commercial.

“Happy, you should help her unpack all of those dreadful boxes. She lives alone you know.” penny say in a knowing voice.

You immediately opened your mouth to interject but arthur had gotten there faster than you, “yeah i think i’ll do that.”

You look at him with your mouth open a little like a fish, eyes clearly yelling disapproval; arthur thinks its cute.

“I can't ask you to do that especially after work. You must be so tired, you look like you’ll melt into this couch if I don't keep an eye on you.” you jest.

He smiles as you, a genuine one, through all of his feelings of not being sure he existed, he couldn’t let a person who actually made him real do such a taxing task alone. He at least owes it to her for keeping his mom company all day he reasoned with himself trying not to sound so smitten in his own head. 

“It’s fine, I'll stop by after I get home from work tomorrow.” he could see his mother nod approvingly behind your distressed face.

You sigh and your eyebrows knit together thinking about something before they shoot up in realization. You look back at him much more confidently and say, “ok i’ll let you help me BUT,” you say with emphasis trying to goad a laugh out of him which seems to be working, “i will get started before you get to my door because I want to cut down on our work load.”

Your shining determined eyes looked at his challengingly and honestly? How could he say no? So arthur nodded, but then he saw you stick your hand out, he assumed you wanted to shake on it. But instead you offered him your pinky finger and he immediately understood what you wanted. He laced your pinky with his own and your both shook on it. But when you didn’t let go he looked at you in confusion, nervousness scratching at him a little because of the sudden uncertainty of the situation.

“What? We have to do all of it” you look down at both of your hands, pinkies still intertwined. You leaned your knuckles forwards towards his so they were pressed against each other and then narrated the rest.

“A pinky promise, sealed with a kiss” you push your thumb forward towards arthurs, and he leaned his own towards yours until they touched. Now satisfied with your arrangement, you look from your still intertwined hands to him, “good. Now we have a deal.”

Arthur nodded, a warm feeling blooming in his chest, “we have a deal.”

You looked up at the clock that sat on top of the tv finally noticing the time. You stood up and smooth your pants as you did, turning to penny and held one of her hands in your own.

“Thank you for letting me spend the day with you miss fleck, i hope we can do it again soon”

Penny squeezes your hand, “It’s always nice to have company, please come over whenever you like, i’m always here.” you nodded at her.

You then turned to arthur and smile at him again, “it was so nice meeting you and i’ll see you tomorrow.”

He returned the smile to you, “I'll see you tomorrow.”

You nodded satisfied and turned to make your way out of the apartment, penny throwing out a gentle, “get home safe!” even though you lived down the hall, you still appreciated it.

Penny and arthur hear the door click close marking your exit. The television played in the background as penny watched it, as she said aloud again, “such a nice girl, she’s around your age too, happy.” looking at her son, who looked like he’s seen the most wonderful sight in gotham.

Arthur lets his head leaned back, letting it rest on the back of the couch. His chest was warm with the heat of your disarming smile; it’s burned into his memory, your sincerity a welcoming breeze in his mind plagued with the cruelty of gotham. Your undivided attention had left him with the feeling of being seen which was lingering on him and he couldn’t complain about it. 

His thumb felt like it was lit a flame from the brief touch that you sealed it with, he shot a glance at his hand on the couch, slack but burning with contact. What you said rang through his head and he could feel the bubble of laughter in his chest, but not from his condition, this was laughter of his own that he controlled. Laughter from pure giddiness and happiness.

‘Sealed with a kiss’ arthur thought as he replayed the memory. He could feel the tips of his ears burning and his cheeks were on their way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. I just got back from watching joker for the third time. I love this movie's character study of joker but honestly I wanna be self indulgent and comfort arthur fleck and that's exactly what i'm gonna do.


	2. How Was Your Day?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur gets to talk about more than surface level polite bullshit.

Arthur’s weary eyes once again meets the unforgiving hill of steps, the foreboding journey that awaited him to get home exhausted the last bit of energy he had. He takes a seat on the third step of the stairs, his legs shooting out in front of him. His shoulder slump over his body, he feels like he’s caving in on himself. He can feel the bruising on his back from the kicks he got in that alleyway. His eyes water a little from the memory still being so painful even though it had happened hours ago. He should’ve let it go and not chased after them, they’re just assholes kids. Is this what his life is like? either going through the motions of it and wondering if he’s even real or being reminded of his existence only from the feeling of pain. Maybe he’s actually dead already and just hadn’t noticed it and had kept with his much too well known routine.

He laughs and it gurgles from his chest unrestrained, it echoes between the two apartment buildings practically ringing with his frustration and sadness. He doesn’t even bother trying to stifle it since it hurts already as it is to do so, he doesn’t want to add more pain to his already aching corporeal form. It starts to settle until he’s reminded of the punchline to his day, and it resurfaces with a vengeance and he wonders when will someone come and just knock him unconscious already for it. His pay docked for being jumped and being so injured after the fact to not be able to return to his gig! And yet! Of course the obvious reason is he’s a dipshit who stole a poor business’s sign right? That thought sets him into an enraged giggle fit though a quieter one to his conditions credit. 

After he can finally catch his breath, he finally realizes that his cheeks are wet from his tears spilling over. ‘Disappointing’ he thinks, ‘but not surprising.’ after his complimentary free of charge pity party, he brings his legs in a little and lifts his body from the steps. He turns to face them and starts trudging up, his right foot hurts like hell as a reminder of his dumpster kicking session he had earlier in the day at work.

‘You get what you pay for.’ he thinks dismissively has he ignores the pain and continues his journey upwards, the setting sun warming his face a little.

The movement that had taken his body from the bottom of the stairs to his front door felt like a complete blur, out of habit or routine he resented how well he knew it in his bones. His hand makes contact with the cool door handle and it turns in his grip, the door opens in towards the apartment to welcome him home. The clank of his keys dropping in the bowl alerted his mother of his presence.

“Oh happy! Did you check the mail?” his mom asked from the living room.

“Yeah ma,” he answered while he wandered into the kitchen the paper bag that held his medicine rattled a little as he set it down on the kitchen counter.

“Nothing.” he ended clearly a little distracted, his eyes came in contact with something that he hadn’t expected to be there.

On the counter next to his crinkly bag of medicine, was a plate with saran wrap covering it, a note sitting on top of it waiting to be read. As he picked it up his mother had spoken up again.

“She was over again today happy! Make sure you return her plate back to her.” his mom said muttering ,”such a sweet girl.” right after it. Arthur didn’t realize he was smiling as he was re-reading the note you had left.

‘I made some cookies and figured you could use something sweet after you came home from work, hope you like them.’ the flower with a smiley face drawn next to it made his heart swell.

Arthur bit the inside of his cheek as he smiled out of.. He couldn’t really place it. Contentment? Maybe, he couldn't be sure but either way he strode into the living room to greet his mom properly; feeling like he just got a second wind. He bent down a little dramatically to greet her, and she giggled as he plopped a kiss to the side of his mom’s head.

Arthur looked down to her, “how was your day?”

Penny looked up at him smiling, looking a little bit more chipper than usual, “oh so wonderful happy, she had come by around noon to make us lunch and then baked cookies” penny had sighed wistfully, “the apartment smelled wonderful.”

Arthur had smiled at that, and then made it his way to his mothers room to change out of his work clothes and into a more casual outfit. When he came back out his mother looked at him with confusion. 

“Where are you going?”

Arthur did a little twirl and almost danced his way towards the door, “remember, ma? I’m gonna go help her unpack.” Arthur had just made it outside of the living room.

Recognition flickered in penny’s eyes and she immediately said as if she were afraid to forget, “Don’t forget to bring back her plate!”

He nodded and turned towards the hall that leads to the front door, of course making a detour in the kitchen to scoop up the plate and his remaining cookies on it, pocketing the note you had left him. His smile didn’t slip for a second as the door clicked shut behind him and he made his way down the hall to your apartment. The memory of his bad day taken a well deserved backseat in his mind, being replaced with your act of kindness.

When he’s finally in front of your door he knocks, he fidgets a little as he waits, which then of course turns into nervousness. Just when arthur was starting to think maybe he should knock again he heard your voice muffled through the door.

“Just a minute!”

Arthur could hear the telltale rattling of the door chain lock as it was being undone, the door opens and reveals you to him. You’re wearing a baggy old t-shirt with basketball shorts. Your face had a smile on it, waiting just for him. Arthur could barely feel the pain in his foot as he stood there staring, disarmed once again. He realized it had been silent for too long and he quickly smiles back at you, gripping your plate to calm his nerves.  
“Hi.” he says rather lamely, you didn’t seem to mind as you stepped aside to allow him into your apartment.

“Hi yourself.” you shot back as you closed the door, “Sorry about all the boxes, I promise I made progress it just doesn’t look like it.” you laughed turning back to him as the door clicked shut with the weight of your back leaning on it.

He laughs a little and looks back at you, “that’s ok, I'm here to help.”

You smile at that and you move into the kitchen, from the corner of your eye you see arthur following you taking your lead.

“I'm glad that you are.” you're looking at him again, then realizing he was still holding the plate of cookies you had made earlier in the day.

“Not much of a sweet tooth?” you gesture to the cookies still left on the plate.

Arthur’s eyes opened with surprise quick to explain himself while he set the plate on the counter top.

"N-no, not at all, I just wanted to eat them with you..” tapering off the end of his sentence as if realizing what he just said, his ears felt like they were burning from embarrassment.

You quickly cut in to reassure him, leaning on the counter to be a little closer to him, “Hey, come on you know what they say,” you unwrap the saran wrap from the plate grabbing a cookie and breaking it in half offering it to him, “desserts are sweeter when you get to share them with someone you like.”

He picks up his head and searches for your eyes, no doubt looking for and finding the sincerity in your statement. You smiled at him, your hand still stretched out towards him; cookie waiting to be taken. He looked from your hand, to your face, then back at your hand finally reaching out and taking the sweet from you.

Arthur smiled shyly as he took a small bite, “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“I know I'm right,” you say in a joking tone lightening the mood and his small chuckle made you smile again as you took another bite from your own cookie. Your turn to your cabinet and pulled out two mismatched mugs and set them on the counter. Then turning to face the fridge to open it; searching.

“I think the cookies came out pretty well,” you mused, the milk carton cold in your hand as your poured it into the two cups, “I made them from scratch since I ran out of cookie dough, and of course the price of a roll of it nowadays is insane.” you roll your eyes remembering the price that the bodega owner had told you earlier in the day. 

Pushing a mug towards arthur, he took the hint and held it in his hands thoughtfully, he took a sip.

“Mom loved the way the cookies made the apartment smell.”

You smile to yourself, “I'm glad it made it her happy.” Arthur couldn’t help but admire your face as you had a moment of thoughtfulness. How serene you looked from just making someone happy, he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful. You had caught him staring at you and he quickly looked away a small blush on his cheeks. Your cheeks lifted from the smile on your face, deciding not to comment on it.

You lean on the counter again, face in your hands as you looked at him across the counter from you, “How was your day today?”

This clearly took him off guard, which again was embarrassing because it should seem like a common thing he should be used to but having someone genuinely interested in him is oh so foreign to him. He relished in your undivided attention though he didn’t want to dump all of his incredibly long list of usual woes on you. So he decided to go with what was polite and sort of a lie.

“It was.. Fine."

You tilt your head at him, “Arthur, you know you can talk to me right?”

He stares at you; not saying anything, so you continue, “I mean, if you had a bad day you can tell me about it you know? I’m not asking to be polite for whatever,” You lean away from the counter stretching your arms, “we’re friends, so i really do care how your day went.” you say looking at him, and his face seemed genuinely shocked which made you a little sad, when was the last time he had…a real conversation with somebody that’s not just surface level polite bullshit?

He was looking down at his hands fiddling with them trying to calm his nerves. He looks back up at you and steadies himself with a breath. You think that maybe you’ve might have pushed past a line, you open your mouth an apology already spilling out, “Listen, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to I just-”

“I got jumped by a bunch of kids today at work for a sign.”

The silence afterwards is almost deafening to arthur, he almost wishes hadn’t said anything but as soon as he felt the knowing tickling sensation from the back of his throat, his condition rearing its ugly head; he almost wished for the silence to return instead of his laughter that filled it. His eyes are wide with fear as he brings his face into the crook of his arms trying to muffle it, the thought of your face right now terrified him; which of course made him laugh harder. 

He felt his eyes start to water as he choked on a laugh that was overtaking him, he lifted his to breath and finally accept your horrified face but instead he found no one in front of him anymore. Still laughing his eyes searched for you but as soon as he turned to his left he had found you right next to him your hand making contact with his back rubbing it in smooth circles.

You both looked at each other, arthur's eyes filled with the usual sadness and pain when his condition takes over and yours oozing with concern for him.

You grab his elbow and guide him to the living room. It had a couch, a coffee table, and a small tv set which of course was accompanied by boxes, but not nearly as much as there were in the hallway.

Arthur tries to get out between laughs, “h-huh! You-,” he huffed then breathes in again, “did make some,” another breath in, “make some progress!” he finally got out. You were both sat on the couch by then, your hand still maintaining the soothing circles on his back.

“I told you.” you smile gently at him. He nods at you as the last of laughs leave him letting him relish the silence with you once again.

Arthur’s staring straight ahead, too embarrassed to look at you, “I’m sorry.” he says in a small voice that almost breaks your heart. “I have a condition..It makes me laugh uncontrollably during inappropriate times, usually when I'm nervous.”

You put your hand on his knee which finally made him turn his attention to you.

“Then you have nothing to be sorry about.” you said firmly, you squeeze his knee as if to emphasize your point.

He nodded at you smiling a little at how understanding you were which immediately made him ask, “How come you weren’t... weirded out or annoyed by it?”

Your answer was immediate. “The pain in your eyes told me that you weren’t laughing because you thought something was funny, you look terrified.”

Arthur nodded and opened his mouth before closing it, before then opening it again committing to his thought, “Thank you...waiting it out with me,” he paused and looked into your eyes, “for not recoiling.” 

You take his hand in yours in a reassuring gesture, “anytime.”

“Besides,” you say lifting your hands together, “if anyone messes with you because of your laugh they’ll have to answer to me!” a grin plastered on your face.

No matter how much arthur didn’t want to admit it, he was already so taken with you. Returning your smile he says, “you’re gonna have to fight all of Gotham.”

You stand up, bringing him to his feet with you, your hands still holding his, “Then I guess the whole city’s gonna get an ass whoopin!” you laugh, a full bellied laugh that sounded so wonderful to arthur and he hoped he could hear it more often.

He went to stretch but he winced as he was reminded on the beating he got earlier in the day. Your eyes widened remembering what he said earlier, you quickly sat him back down on the couch telling him to sit still while you run to your fridge again.

When you returned you had a frozen bag of peas in your grasp and a first aid kit under your arm.

You look at him, “I think you can see where I'm going with this so.” Arthur looked absolutely amused as you set up your perch on your coffee table and take a seat on it front of him. 

“alright, where does it hurt?”

He turns so his back is facing you and he lifts the back of his shirt revealing the blooming bruises on his back. You make a sound in sympathy from how painful it looked, he had a big bruise forming on his left shoulder which you thought should take priority. 

“So, why not tell me the full story of your day,” you gently pulled his shirt down and turning him around. As arthur recounted his story you placed the peas under his shirt on his shoulder for it to rest there as he leaned back, he shivers a little under your touch and you think he’s absolutely precious, the need to protect him growing stronger.

By the time he was done telling you what happened between getting jumped, and hoyt docking his paycheck because he didn’t believe him he was resting on your couch as he watched you pace in front of him completely beside yourself. If you could spit fire, this entire apartment building would be burned to crisps.

“How could he dock your pay!? Why would you even steal a sign? that’s such bullshit! Oh my god!” Throwing your hands up in the air exasperated.

Arthur shrugged noncommittally, wincing a little almost forgetting about his shoulder, almost. “You get used to it, when bad things constantly keeps happening to you” he sighed.

“No!” you point a finger at him. “This will not stand! You’re such a sweet person arthur and you don’t fucking deserve this fuck not taking you seriously or believing you! God I would punch him if I could.”

Arthur smiled a little at your fire, not because he enjoyed your anger but the thought of someone caring about him enough to feel this way so intensely...he liked it. 

“It’s ok don’t worry too much about it,” he says looking up at you, “just talking to you has been more than enough to make me feel better.”

That seemed to bring you down from your tirade, you sat back down next to him and sighed.

“You’re too nice sometimes arthur.”

He smiled and looked away from you shyly which completely brought you down from lighting this garbage city a flame. There was something about arthur that soothes you, even if this was the second time you’ve met you feel calm with him. He has this gentleness that was so sweet that all you wanted to do was protect him. The thought of anyone trying to hurt him made you mad thinking about it.

You sighed and leaned back into the couch, grabbing the remote clicking on the tv set in front of you both. The Murray Franklin show was on and it looked like it was just starting. You got up to get some more cookies for both of you along with your mugs that you had left behind, bringing them to the living room. You could tell arthur wanted to say something by the way he kept opening and closing his mouth, but he was obviously hesitant.

You turned to him lifting your eyebrows inquiring wordlessly.

“Shouldn't we unpack some of your stuff?”

You barked out a laugh, “you’re in no shape to do that and honestly? Hanging out with you is enough for me, I like spending time with you.” You say it like it's the most obvious thing in the world then turned your attention back to the screen biting into another cookie.

He smiled at that, ears a little red from the very forward compliment. He looked at the screen biting his own cookie, you were able to break his brain numbing routine of his daily life and for that, he couldn’t be happier. He felt more content than he has been in a while in an apartment full of boxes and a new friend right next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again. Looks like my never ending quest to comfort arthur fleck is turning into my coping mechanism when school is stressing me out :^) anyway hope you liked the chapter.


	3. Only Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remembering the very first time you saw Arthur

The sun streamed through your window and unfortunately shining brightly on your now not so slumbering face. Your eyes wrinkle because of the intensity and you try to move to the side of your bed that’s away from your window. The cool of your bed sheet caressed you as you try to fall back asleep but what’s done is done. You were awake and regretted not installing the curtains on your window yesterday. You sigh to your empty room and roll over once again, your eyes staring at the ceiling of your apartment as you tried to properly wake up for the day.

Once your feet hit the ground your morning routine begins it’s usual cycle. You stretch and contort your body while making a ridiculous sound. Feeling now much more awake and aware you make your way to your bathroom, not even bothering flicking on the light since the morning sun was lighting it up nicely. You stare at your reflection while the water runs underneath your toothbrush. The sound fills the bathroom, you flick your hand out nonchalantly turning off the tap. Thoughts of yesterday floated to the front of your brain as you brushed the bones that rested underneath it. 

Ofcourse you never got to install your curtains yesterday because Arthur had been over. The thought of him made you smile, toothpaste foam spilling from the corner of your lips onto the white sink. You continue to brush anyway, thinking about him, he had been in your apartment just a few hours ago since you both had stayed up late watching murray and just talking. He seemed so shy at first, so reserved and you didn’t know what to make of him, well, before officially meeting him.

You bring some water to your mouth, washing out any left over toothpaste. Patting your face dry you walk over to the kitchen gathering everything you needed for breakfast and setting it on the table. Which wasn’t that complicated being that your oh so intricate meal to start the day was some cereal with milk. You took your feast to your living room and plopped down on the couch to turn on some cartoons while you ate. Your mind still wandered to a certain clown though, specifically to the first time you saw him but he didn’t necessarily see you.

It had been around three weeks ago, you found your current apartment for a great price but wanted to see it before making a hard spending decision. The landlord showed you up to the floor and had introduced you to the last tennant that occupied your space. She was a tall russian lady, she was old but still held her head very high, she seemed so regal in the way that she carried herself that you felt compelled to bow, but obviously resisted the urge to not embarrass yourself. Her accent was heavy but she was welcoming enough, like the wise old russian aunt that you never had. The landlord left you to it and told you to meet him downstairs when you were done.

The old woman, who introduced herself as Katya, showed you around her abode, everything was decorated so beautifully but in a style that was of the old world. Katya had offered you some tea and some light discussion about the apartment and all the traits it had, seeing no reason to lie to you. You appreciated her honesty and felt very comfortable in her presence. After chatting for a while you decided to take your leave and thanked her for her kindness and the information, she brushed it off as if it was the obvious thing to do. She watched you from her doorway go down the stairs and offered a gentle wave, which you returned with a smile.  
As your feet descended the stairs you heard the ding of the elevator open on the floor you were just on, though it was just background noise to you as you kept descending, checking your pockets for your wallet, keys-. You abruptly stop in your tracks, you were two floors down already and realized you forgot your keys. You turned your body around and went back up the stairs, already picturing the knowing smile the old woman was going to give you after you confess loss. As you got closer though you heard voices in the hallway, Katya’s familiar accent and someone else, someone much quieter than the old woman.

Not wanting to interrupt you stopped on the landing one floor below them as they spoke, unintentionally eavesdropping in the process.

“Moy milyy kloun, it looks like my time to leave this moral realm has come.”

A small huff of a laugh and the shyer voice answered, “Don’t say that, the second floor isn’t a death sentence. It’ll be good for your knees.”

“It might as well be artur, my mortal coil is already starting to fail me.”

They both laughed at her dark humor, though katya’s laughter was drowned out by his. You quickly climbed more steps to get a glimpse of him.

She sighed, “I’m going to miss that the most.”

His giggles settled down, “you won’t too much, these walls are paper thin.”

They said their goodbyes, and his footsteps faded.Your stare hadn’t left arthur’s retreating back so you didn't notice katya’s gaze.

“Beautiful is he not?”

You nearly tripped on the stair you were on from her voice ripping you away from your thoughts on the stranger. Your hand already over your heart, you look over to her now fully aware of her stare, your cheeks red from being caught.

“Spying is quite ugly, rybka.”

You start explaining on as you climbed your way up to the seventh floor landing about your keys but she casually pulled them from her pocket and the rest died on your tongue.

“You forgot it on the kitchen counter. I was waiting here for you to recover them.” she was still staring down the hallway where arthur had left. You said your thanks but followed her gaze.

“Who is he?”

“Artur Fleck. A sweet boy who has only known cruelty.” she finally returned her gaze to you, a serious expression on her knowing face.

“Try to not add more cruelty, oomnitsa, only light.” her expression changed and your keys hit your palm as she re-entered her apartment.

Ever since that day, you wanted to talk to him. But your timing never seemed right after you moved in. It seemed he worked odd hours sometimes so it was hard to catch him, unless you literally knocked on his door and asked for him. Which you obviously didn’t. Luck had struck when you had helped penny, even if you didn’t know she was his mother. Seeing him standing there in his living room staring at you, it was like you were seeing him all over again.  
He was a shy yes, but after he got comfortable with you, he was so funny and shined so brightly.

There was a softness to him that made you want to get closer, he made you feel like everything would be alright. After the murray franklin show ended you both talked for hours into the early morning. Just you, arthur, and the living room soaking up both of your secrets, anxieties, and laughter. You had never clicked with someone so well before, you had told him so and he looked downright bewildered. The thought that someone would like being around him seemed so strange and foreign, it had made you sad to think he spent most of his time alone. 

You wanted to be a good friend to him, show him what friendship is really like. He clearly wasn’t wealthy in those experiences, you want to give him better memories. For now, you’d have to quiet that feeling in your gut when he looked at you at dawn, the sunlight lighting his face in such a way, it almost left you breathless. It feels stupid at you age but you wanted to do this, you want be a good friend to him first before even the thought of romance got mixed into it.

You had realized you had spent ten minutes just staring at your cereal bowl grinning about arthur. This wasn’t great on ignoring your small oh so small, tiny, crush on him. You drag your hands over your face, embarrassed about your thoughts. Shaking your head, you lit a cigarette and held it in your mouth while you took a drag. You have to keep this together. 

Getting up you took your bowl to the sink and left it there for later, you got dressed and headed down the stairs, cigarette still between your lips. The sun warmed your skin when you stepped out into it, taking confident steps towards your destination. While trying to fall asleep last night you had thought of a brilliant plan to help arthur fall back into the good graces of his boss. The bell tinkled, signaling your entrance, the smell of wood, metal and paint hit your nose as you walked into the small hardware store.

After an hour and and half of gathering your materials, lugging them home, and concocting them into the final product you took a step back and looked at it. You nodded to yourself in approval of all your hard work. Walking to your kitchen for a glass of water, your phone book catches your eye. Bringing it closer to you on the kitchen counter, your hands start flipping pages. Remembering that Arthur told you he worked at Ha-Ha’s but not where. After a minute of flipping through you found the location. Putting your cup in the sink to accompany your bowl, you grab your bag, your gift, and lock the door to your apartment, making your way down to the train station to pay your favorite clown a visit. 

You were standing in front of a metal door, the brick building looming over you, the sign on the front of it indicating what you wrote down on a scrap piece of paper before you left, ‘Ha-Ha’s Talent Booking’. A little sign was taped on top of it; hand written in sharpie it said, ‘please ring bell’. You stuck out your hand that wasn’t holding something and pressed the small black button. There was a pause then a loud buzzing noise went off, your hand flew to the handle and it opened smoothly for you. 

You were then greeted by a long flight of stairs and by the time you got to the main landing, there was a small hallway which lead to a door that was left a little ajar. You walked closer hearing music, and men talking and laughing with each other. You left your surprise leaning against the wall just outside the door, then taking a deep breath you brought the door the rest of the way open and leaned forward, knocking on the door frame. Catching most of the men’s attention, the words you practiced on the train finally spilling out.

“Hi, uh, is Arthur here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russian translations:  
Moy milyy kloun - my cute clown  
rybka - little fish  
oomnitsa - smart girl
> 
> hello! i'm back! heh sorry no physical Arthur this chapter but we'll see him in the next :^)


	4. Reflection

Arthur stared at his reflection in the vanity mirror. The late morning sun lavished one side of his face warming it, he smiled a little from the kiss the sun had given him. It was noisy in the dressing room, since it was almost around noon everyone who had a different gig in the afternoon had returned to eat lunch and touch up their makeup if their act required it. His morning shift had left him considerably sweaty since he was dancing a lot while sign spinning, the gotham summer heat wasn’t helping the situation. When he had returned he decided his makeup was too far gone to just be touched up, his reflection slowly morphed from carnival, a more confident, happy clown excited to share happiness with the world to reveal his own face staring back at him. He ran the wet cloth against his left cheek again, stubborn grease paint clinging to his face, but the more he stared at himself the more he couldn’t look away. Arthur Fleck knows his own face very well, but the reflection was showing him someone unfamiliar.

He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night, but that’s not unusual for him because of his insomnia. But what was throwing him off was that his reflection had...a lightness to it? So many times he had stared at himself in the mirror to try to remind himself that he’s real, a tangible person living in an actual space; but he always looks so defeated and tired. Almost like at any second he could just disappear. He had tried to trick his reflection by smiling, to seem more alive and tangible but it never reached his eyes. He could never trick himself because he knew the truth no matter how much he lifted his lips to contradict himself.

But catching his smile in the reflection, it had taken him aback because it reached his eyes. It wasn’t cold or empty, there was a fire and warmth there. His typically apathetic eyes, so accustomed to mistreatment no longer stared back at him. He thought back to the early hours of this morning, facing his neighbor, his friend on her couch. They had been talking for hours after the Murray Franklin show had ended, it was so seamless and effortless that by the time the sun was rising, shining on her face, did he realize that it was morning. She had looked so beautiful, almost like an angel. He feels his face smiling, his eyes flick back to his reflection again, a genuine smile stared back at him which made him laugh a little.

He remembered being worried after the show had ended, the buffer that would be there in case he messed up conversationally would be gone. He worried so much about making her uncomfortable or worse making her feel sorry for him. So much throughout his life people have felt sorry for him, pitied him, at some points he understood why, but at others he just hated how pathetic it made him feel. Since most of his stories aren't the happiest he got really good at listening to others, letting them go on and on. This had worked for a time, he had friendships but a lot of them were a one sided affair. The emotional labor of basically having people only talk to him about their problems ended up being so taxing he stopped doing it. Ofcourse this meant people stopped talking to him all together since they couldn’t get anything from him anymore. It was lonely, sure, and at some points he almost regretted it because even if people were just using him, they still had to see him to do it.

But talking with her into the early hours of the morning was something else entirely. At the start he had reverted to bad habit and had prompted her to talk and he would listen. But she tore that plan apart because she was so invested in getting to know him, enthusiastically asking him things, wanting to know him just as much as he wanted to know about her. It was definitely something he wasn’t used to and he was so tempted to lie his ass off to not bum her out with his sad life. But remembering his first attempt at that and how she saw right through it, he decided against it. So tentatively he started to let go, telling her the truth. She had nodded, and listened to him, putting a hand on his when telling a particularly sad story but there was never any pity in her eyes, only… a sense of understanding. Like the act of just telling her was enough. As the hours passed by they revealed more secrets to each other, getting more personal, laughing about embarrassing firsts, things they’re bad at. It felt like such a rush of happiness and relief. Arthur had felt this once or twice before but it was so long ago he almost forgot he could feel this way.

When it had been dawn she got up from the couch and stretched, all of the hours of talking led them to sitting closer together on her couch so when she had stood he had heard her spine crack, he winced.

“I’m sorry i kept you up so late.” he apologized looking up at her, she looked at him and smiled

“No you’re not, I can see it all over your shit eating grin.”

They both laughed at that, she held her hand out to him. He took it and she pulled him off the couch carefully to not aggravate his bruises on his back.  


“But seriously. I loved talking to you.” her smile could just take his breath away.

She led him to the window, trudging it open and climbing through it so she could stand on the fire escape. She beckoned him and ofcourse he followed, while he climbed through the window she offered him a cigarette which he graciously took. While she lit hers, he couldn't stop staring at her, he knew she was real but in this lighting, the air of effortlessness she exuded it almost felt like a dream, almost. She moved closer to him and pulled at this shirt so his face would be closer to hers. He felt immensely stupid again being this close to her with an unlit cigarette between his lips, his cheeks starting to burn. She laughed at his face.

“I only had the one match, come’re so i can light yours dummy” her eyes held not contempt but rather amusement

He chucked and bent his head a little so she could light his cigarette with her own, he felt like a teenager again. She held hers between her lips and took a big drag while he did the same. They both looked out at the empty street, the sun washing it in light and softness which almost made the gotham street filled with trash look pretty.

He grinned at the memory, bringing another cigarette to his lips. His mirror told him he had some grease paint still around his jaw and his other cheek, but makeup be damned he had a great morning. He reached for a lighter when an all too familiar voice snapped him out of his giddy daydream.

“Hi, uh, is arthur here?"

He whipped his head around, and there you were. Shyly standing in the doorway, your fist still raised after knocking. He felt the surprise on his face but it melted into a smirk as he got up from his seat. Third time you’ve caught him off guard with an unlit cigarette between his lips, he was sure it probably won’t be the last.

He strode towards the door where you stood and an air of confidence surrounding him, sliding on his white button up to not stand shirtless in front of you. The way you were looking at him, with such warmth, made him feel he was invincible. Ofcourse it wouldn’t be ha-ha’s without the other clowns razzing him on his way over.

“Yo artie you never told us you had a girl!”

“Hey now! Don’t be mean fellas she’s too pretty to be with him!”

Nothing any of these clowns could say could bring him down right now, which downright gave him the confidence to flip randal off before standing in front of you, the rest of the men roared with laughter now turning their attention to a red faced randall, not that arthur would have noticed.

You pull on Arthur's open button up to nudge him a little more into the hallway, getting your hint he walked into the hallway and you pull the door close, giving the men a little wave who were still paying attention to the both of you.

“We need a little privacy.”

As the door clicked shut you could hear faint wolf whistles that the men were giving both of you. Standing in front of you somewhat alone, as alone as a wooden door with a glass window would give you, his confidence had shrunk a little, he becomes shyer, but still just as happy to see you.

“I’m sorry about them” his head gestures to the locker room, “they’re assholes.”

“They are assholes. but i hope i’m not interrupting you at work.”

He laughs and shakes his head at you, “not that i’m not happy to see you but...what are you doing here?”

Then you smirk at him, raising your hand and wiping some white paint from his jaw. It takes all of his power not to shiver.

“I have a surprise for you.” you say nonchalantly, taking your hand away from his face you walk a little more into the hallway to get your gift.

“Ok don’t open your eyes until i say so.”

Smiling a little he closes his eyes, Arthur hears your footsteps come closer and a thump in front of him. 

“Ok, open.”

When he opens his eyes, he sees you leaning forward looking up at him with a smirk on your face, obviously very satisfied. But his eyes traveled to what exactly you were leaning on. A tall rectangular bright yellow sign caught his attention, written in a playful but neat handwriting read, ‘everything must go!’ Little stars and music notes decorated it. Seeing the surprise on his face you spin the sign around.

“I even made the handle, so it would be as easy to spin as the original!”

He didn’t know what to say. He just kept staring at the sign and then lifted his gaze to yours. Getting a little insecure about his reaction, words start spilling from your mouth trying to explain.

“I…I know this is a bit much, but I was thinking about you this morning, and how that whole situation with hoyt was such bullshit so I-”

A harsh laugh cut you off, it filled the hallway letting the rest of your words die on your lips. Arthur’s eyes went from surprise to fear, staring at you as he kept laughing. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut willing it away, hoping to just disappear right where he stood.

But your own laugh made his eyes shoot open, still laughing he looked at you, as you laughed very loudly too. You both stood there laughing, which felt so fucking surreal to arthur he really thought maybe he just lost consciousness and this is his brain’s way of dealing with embarrassment. But you both kept laughing, until it petered out, you had tears in your eyes and was holding your stomach trying to catch your breath.

“Wha-” he huffed, trying again he breathed in, “what? Why?”

When all you could hear between them was steady breathing, you looked at him with a knowing smile.

“So those jerkoffs think you told me a killer joke that left me in stitches.” your eyes flicked towards the door, knowing that the men inside definitely were looking at the both of you.

He stared at you for a moment before breaking out into the biggest smile that could melt your heart right where you stood. Your flushed cheeks made you look like a cute doll to him.

“Thank you so much for the sign, you really didn’t have to”

You pushed the sign towards him so he held it as it rested on his legs, “I know. But I wanted to.”

He loves the way you just say plainly what’s on your mind, no hesitation, no thought, you say things and they’re gone into the world. One day he wanted to be as bold as you, to tell you everything he thinks about you as clear as day.

“How can i pay you back?”

You roll your eyes at him, “in cigarettes and hanging around me more often, seems fair to you?”

He held out his hand out to you, pinky protruding out. You smirk at him, he can be so goddamn cute. You hold out your pinky to intertwine it with his, then you both press your thumbs together.

Releasing your hand, he could feel the warmth in his chest that he never wanted to go away. 

“Let me know how it goes with Hoyt, or if you need back up!” you playfully raise a fist at him trying to be intimidating, he laughs and nods.

Turning to make your exit, you wave and throw over your shoulder, “see you at home!”

You take a step and freeze realizing what you said, you turn to look at him. He looks so happy, and your anxiety instantly vanishes.

Smiling back at you he says, “see you at home.”

Satisfied with that answer, you turn around and make your way down the stairs. Arthur waits a moment in the hallway with your gift, to appreciate it before heading back into the dressing room. Everyone has settled down now, minding their own business eating their lunch, talking quietly in small groups. The radio plays softly in the background, he makes his way back to his vanity and sets the sign besides it. He’ll talk to hoyt right before he goes out to his next shift.

Sitting in front of the vanity again, his reflection makes his then assumption now a clear confirmation. You had made him lighter, someone to actually talk to, someone to see him for who he is. He smiles again and it reaches his eyes, he laughs a laugh that is genuinely his own.

Randall pulled him from his thoughts from his spot at the lockers. “What were you two hyenas howling about in the hallway pally?”

Arthur turned to look at the boorish man and smirked, turning back to the vanity, he picked up his brush to start applying his makeup.

“You wouldn’t get it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! hope everyone is doing ok and staying inside. hope you liked the chapter :)


End file.
